The Webcomicker

Who watches the watchmen?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

This could be trouble.

I received a rather interesting email in my Gmail inbox today:

Blogger Support < > to me

It has come to our attention that your blog is generating quite a bit of
traffic. First off, congratulations! We are always happy to see our
users achieving success in their pursuits, and we hope you've been satisfied
with the service provided by Blogger.

However, we have encountered a problem with one of your blogs: The
Webcomicker (
We have a monitoring program which looks for suspicious spikes in bandwidth at
certain blogs, which is usually an indicator of illicit activity. So when
the program informed us of a spike in your bandwidth usage,
we investigated your blog for any evidence that you were engaged
in activities outside our Terms of Service.

We were relieved to discover that you had not, in fact, violated the Terms
of Service, but we are still somewhat concerned by the heavy load your blog
has put on our servers. The amount of bandwidth being used by
your blog is disproportionally large, and in order to commit more of our
resources to the task of ensuring fast load time for your pages, we needed
justification from the content of the blog itself. It is on this matter
that we felt the need to address you in a formal email.

As you are probably aware, Blogger is home to many high-traffic blogs in
addition to the many, many low traffic blogs we support. In all previous
cases, high-traffic blogs have been associated with topics which are widely
accepted as relevant and supplemental to the overarching social discourse.
This includes topics such as politics, mainstream media entertainment, and
homo-erotic firemen. However, in our investigation of your blog, we were
surprised to discover that your express purpose for writing was the generation
and elaboration of literary criticism on webcomics.

To put it simply, we do not view this topic as legitimate enough to justify
our continued support of the massive bandwidth your site requires. It is
widely known that webcomics are nothing more than the amateurish chicken-scratch
of hack artists without enough talent to become properly syndicated. To
make the claim that such boorish creations can even be subjected to proper
literary criticism
is utterly preposterous. Therefore, your blog is
clearly not supplementing social discourse in any way, shape, or form, but
simlpy pandering to deluded, geekish fanboys who only see the light of
day if they attend a comic book convention which happens to
be held in a convention center with skylights.

However, this does not mean we are simply cutting off service to your
blog. Rather, we have a series of restrictions which you must put into
effect immediately. If you comply with the restrictions, we will allow you
to continue posting on The Webcomicker. However, if you violate any of
these conditions, we will be forced to close down your blog and remove it from
our databases.
  1. You must refrain from storing thumbnail images of the comics you are
    reviewing on the Blogger servers. Instead, direct-link to the image
    on the original webcomic site. While this will cause the bandwidth costs
    for each comic you review to skyrocket, we feel this will actually result in an
    overall improvement of the internet by driving many of these no-talent
    hacks of the internet. In fact, we suggest you direct-link as many comics
    as you can.
  2. You must refrain from using more than 500 words in any given post.
    Seriously. Who wants to read a 1400+ word post about a subpar comic
    changing from one subpar artist to another subpar artist anyways? We've
    got a word for that here at Blogger: insipid.
  3. You must talk about subjects other than webcomics and webcomics-related
    news. We were pleased to see that in many posts you complain about a lack
    of free time in your life, suggesting that you do know something about how to
    blog properly, but a vast majority of your posts are simply wasted space, filled
    with the "insulating foam" of mental masturbation thinly veiled as legitimate
    criticism. You may use any of the following starting lines to begin a more
    appropriate blog post: "George Bush is a flaming retard...", "George Bush is
    trying to take over the world and hates gays and hates black people and wants us to worship him as a god and he's really the devil...", "X-men3 is gunna
    roXorZ...", and "As I felting his pulsating member pressed up against my
  4. If you must talk about comics, at least talk about good comics,
    like The Family Circus, or Momma.

We thank you for your time and consideration in this matter, and hope to
continue to have a good relationship with you under these new restrictions.


-The Blogger Support Team

So I guess we'll be seeing some changes around here starting today. You just can't fight City Hall, you know?

So... uh, George Bush is a retard.


At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Sili said...

You, sir, are a comedy genious.

But I'll have to say, that if you are the reason the gay fireman blogs are so often unreachable, then you cannot be gone from the Intarwub fast enough.

- Sili

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Kneefers said...

Best April Fools joke of the day
Seriously. Tops, dude. We likes. Hehehehe...

At 6:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I don't have anything to say on this post (that hasn't already been said, I mean), I gotta say, there's some good stuff here.

I've never heard of 90% of the comics you list, so I'll be spending the next 4 years cruising archives.

And my parents said I should have gone to college. Psh (9_9)

Thanks! :D

At 11:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, great! They're cancelling the only blog whose author seems to think my work's any good! :P
Unless of course, that was a prank too.

Thanks a lot, blogger.


At 12:51 AM, Blogger Gilead Pellaeon said...

Heh, actually part of the reason I wrote this particular piece was to eliminate any speculation that my post about Count Your Sheep may have been intended as an April Fools' joke.

I assure you, everything in the Count Your Sheep post is serious, although I did kind of get caught up in the moment while writing it and looking back at it I may have gotten a little crazy with some of my claims.

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At 12:57 AM, Blogger Ana Maria said...

Hola Noreply,tu escribiste un comentario a mi blog, tema: Mi queridisimo Peque" si es asi te agradezco tus lindas palabras, veo que te gustan mucho los animalitos como a mi, siento no poder leer tus comentarios en tu blog,no domino mucho el ingles solo lo básico,si me escribes te contestare visita mi blog es alli veras muchas imágenes de animalitos muy tiernas un saludo y espero tu respuesta gracias nuevamente.


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